God only gives us what we are strong enough to handle.  

God works in mysterious ways.

Stop living in the past.

Everything happens for a reason.

At least you … At least they… fill in the blank there.

When grieving the loss of a loved one, people often face cliché phrases that offer little comfort.

I've explored a lot of online resources for grieving individuals dealing with family, friends, acquaintances, and even ministers who say these things. While there's some decent material, I haven't found anything that truly addresses these conversations in a way that moves them forward effectively, which is why I feel it's important to document this.

There is plenty of information about what not to say to grieving people. However, most people who say these phrases aren't looking for articles about what not to say.

Culture change starts with us. Can we respond in a way that reframes the conversation to better serve us?

We can hope those who are rude or unthinking will read an article about what not to say, but the chances of them reading, comprehending, and changing are low.

There are ways to handle these situations.

I need to clarify that this is not for people who are early in their grief or have never experienced loss before. Asking you to do more than you are already doing is not kind. You have enough to handle early on.

I'm addressing those who have experienced multiple losses over time and are not newly grieving. Those with some grief experience can take up this mantle and will still hear these comments in conversations.

Let's lay a foundation and understand the terminology. We will discuss "thought-stopping clichés."

Clichés often have a fraction of truth in them, which is why they are repeated. They provide a certain amount of truth and are sometimes helpful.

We’ve all used thought-stopping clichés in daily life. For instance, saying “shit happens” explains everything without needing to think deeply.

Clichés can be helpful in a crisis when you cannot think deeply about what's happening.

Most people talking to you about your loss are not in a personal crisis. However, when we're in a crisis, a cliché spoken under our breath can anchor us enough to keep our heads and stop our minds from swirling. At times, a cliché can help right our metaphorical boat and may even serve us for a lifetime.

For example, I was in a car accident that injured my foot, preventing me from wearing cute shoes anymore. Someone called paramedics because I couldn't move. I started repeating the Serenity Prayer, which kept me from panicking or passing out. The Serenity Prayer says, "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." This cliché helped me stay calm and holds a lot of truth.

Clichés become problematic when used as a substitute for an actual conversation, often becoming “thought-stopping clichés.”

Thought-stopping clichés, like “God works in mysterious ways” or “God wanted another angel in heaven,” often shut down conversation and discourage further original thought. These phrases stem from a book called Thought Reform and the Psychology of Totalism by Robert Jay Lifton, which discusses tactics used to brainwash individuals.

Lifton's research shows that thought-stopping clichés compress complex problems into brief, reductive phrases, easily memorized and expressed. They justify stopping thought and conversation, which is particularly harmful when discussing death and grief, some of the most complex problems we face.

Thought-stopping clichés are designed to quell cognitive dissonance, but they fail to offer satisfying responses emotionally or intellectually. They shut down conversation when it could lead to deeper understanding.

It’s ironic that calling something a thought-stopping cliché can itself function as one. We don’t want to shut down conversations but to encourage deeper ones.

Early in grief, it's understandable to let these conversations go. But those with more grief experience can speak out and drive cultural change. Most people won’t read articles on what not to say, so we must provide handholds for handling these situations.

First, give respect to the person, not the cliché. You could say, “Tell me more… give me a personal example of how you’ve seen that in your own life in a way that relates to what I’m saying,” putting responsibility back in their hands.

Practice your response in a compassionate way. Here’s an example:

“This conversation is important to me, and you are important to me. I would like to talk further about this. Are you open to staying curious and discussing this more, or is this not a good time for you?”

If they are open, you could say: “What you just said is known as a thought-stopping cliché and can close down conversations. I would like to keep our conversation open. Can we talk further?”

It's time to take back the ground we've lost. Rather than being quiet, we can work with our experts—counselors, therapists, ministers, mentors, trusted friends—to learn how to respond to people when they say these things to us.